Coming Out

Sermon by Rev. Gabrielle Parks


Tomorrow, National Coming Out Day will be observed in the U.S. and many other countries. It is a civil awareness day, for coming out of the closet; and for discussion about gay, lesbian, bisexual, asexual and transgender (LGBT) issues. It is observed by members of the LGBT communities and their supporters, usually called "allies," on October 11 every year, or October 12 in the United Kingdom. Other countries observing it include Switzerland, Germany, Canada, Croatia, Poland, and the Netherlands.

The day was founded by Dr. Robert Eichberg and Jean O'Leary in 1988, acting on behalf of their organizations, The Experience and National Gay Rights Advocates, respectively. They wanted to commemorate the Second National March on Washington for Lesbian and Gay Rights in 1987, in which 500,000 people marched on Washington, DC, for gay and lesbian equality. Special events on National Coming Out Day are aimed at raising awareness of the LGBT community among the general populace. It is part of the effort to give a familiar face to the LGBT rights movement.

In the United States, the Human Rights Campaign manages the event under the National Coming Out Project, offering resources to LGBT individuals, couples, parents and children, as well as straight friends and relatives, to promote awareness of LGBT families living honest and open lives. Candace Gingrich, who works for the Human Rights Campaign, became the spokesperson for the day in April 1995.

Beyond Coming Out Day, the Human Rights Campaign is in charge of the Coming Out Project which helps LGBT, as well as straight-supportive people live openly and talk about their support for equality at home, at work and in their communities each and every day.

Why am I devoting a whole sermon to coming out, here in a certified “Welcoming Congregation” where just about everyone is supportive of glbt folks?

The main reason is that I want you all to come out as straight supporters!
What do I mean by that? Well, a straight ally is someone who is not gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender; but who personally advocates for GLBT equal rights and fair treatment. Straight allies are some of the most effective and powerful advocates for the GLBT movement. These allies have proven invaluable personally and politically, because their voices often have been heard while those of GLBT people have been ignored. Therefore an openly straight supporter is increasingly important in the fight for GLBT equality.

Coming out as a straight ally may be a challenging experience, but many find that it is unexpectedly rewarding. Some may think that advocating on behalf of GLBT equality is solely the responsibility of those who are affected by the inequality. But as one straight ally puts it: “There were white people fighting for black people’s rights in the civil rights movement. There were men fighting for women’s rights in the feminist movement. I would be greatly ashamed if there were no straight people fighting for gay rights in our movement."

Opinion polls show that people who know someone who is gay or lesbian are more likely to support equal rights for all gay and lesbian people. Anecdotal evidence also suggests that the same is true for people who know someone who is bisexual or transgender. That’s why we UUs are challenged to come out as allies! We worship together with glbt folks, we share coffee and goodies during coffee hour, we form relationships in small groups or RAD (Rainbow Alliance of the Delmarva) events.

Coming out as an ally might not be easy; however, it is much more difficult and often heart-breaking for a glbt individual. I had planned to have some guests here today, who would share their own coming-out stories with you. For various reason this plan didn’t work out. However, while looking for a May Sarton poem, I came across a very interesting web-site. On it almost 100 men and women freely share their experiences, and I’ve brought you some of those stories.

Like GLBT people, straight allies will find that coming out is not a one-time event, but rather a lifelong journey. Coming out is a process that involves deciding if, how, and when to share openly with families of origin, friends, co-workers. It is a “relational process” of being honest with self and with others about sexual identity, or orientation.

The first step of coming out obviously is an internal one, as the individual begins to reckon with his or her issues of identity formation . . . As individuals come out to themselves, they experience the pain--and the power of what it means to self-name and self-identify as lesbian or gay.

Linda, now a therapist, describes it as: “Like a great tornado, I was spun around and around in the dark. Most of what had been clear to me was suddenly swept away. The forces of nature took over. I felt totally out of control. How could I feel so right, and at the same time so totally confused?”

Most individuals do not arrive simultaneously at the point of naming themselves as homosexual, and sharing that information freely with others. Here is what Keisha wrote: “And now at 21 years old, I realized that I had more than 'friendly' feelings towards one of my closest friends, who came out of the closet a week before I did. I now accept the fact that I am a woman who loves other women. I am gay. I am a lesbian and it's okay. One day I'll feel confident enough to say it loud and proud to anyone and everyone; but for now I am happy that I can accept it in my head and in my heart.”

The Closet we have to come out off is a metaphor, a descriptive word that corresponds to the dynamics of hiding a part of our self-identity; or choosing carefully when to be open and “out.” People who are in the closet conceal their sexual identity either from everyone, or from selected audiences such as families of origin or people at work.

The facts about closets are plain: they make good hiding places. But they also isolate us. Children know well the quick cover closets offer in a game of hide-and-seek. Kids also know how vulnerable to discovery they are once ensconced in a closet. Finally, children know well the terror of being trapped or locked in a closet.

Closets range in size, and hence may be more or less suffocating. Some are so small that no whole person can live in them. In such cases the person may have concealed from their conscious selves the truth about their sexual orientation. Others can be truthful with themselves, but are shamed by heterosexism into keeping silent about who they really are. They can crouch in their closets, but have no room for others.

Bethany, a 16-year old teenager, wrote about coming out: “I needed to get that thought out of my head, because I would bring shame to this family and everyone will definitely hate me. I felt like I was a freak and just didn't belong.”

Still others have walk-in-sized closets. They shroud their sexual orientation in a public identity acceptable to our heterosexist world. Only a chosen few—usually other gay people, or trusted friends—know their secret. Here’s the voice of another teen: “My friend Tracy was not too shocked, and she has always supports me with everything I do. I’m glad that she did not drop me. As for my parents, I refuse to tell them. Although I do not live with them anymore, I do not want all ties cut off by them. I fear how they would react to this, and do not wish to find out.”

No matter the size of the closet – those in it live constantly with the threat and fear of discovery. For most gay individuals, closets are all too familiar places. The sizes of their closets vary with the changing circumstances of life. For some, it is dangerous to be open at work, and they remain in the closet in their professional life.

The saddest example I came across was with a fellow student at seminary. Her denomination did not accept openly gay candidates for clergy, so she had to live a lie. Her partner with whom she’d been in a committed relationship for years, was officially her “widowed sister,” and the children they were raising together were included in this depressing charade as nephew and nieces.

Here is my second reason for talking about coming out today: The role of religion in the process. Here are the words of Jerry, 26: “Almost daily, I felt as though there were two great forces in my head which were constantly fighting one another: my homosexuality and my desire to live the type of life to which I believed Christ was calling me. For several years, I had tried to no avail to turn off my homosexual attractions. Therefore, I began instead to try to turn off God in my life. In addition to dropping out of LifeGuard, I stopped attending church, stopped reading the Bible or religious books, stopped praying, and stopped listening to Christian music. This was painful for me because these things had been a large part of my life since childhood.”

Another young man wrote: “Everyday is a test for someone like me. To have to live in the shadows surrounded by animosity and slurs has banished all hope for a brighter tomorrow. The very essence of being is stolen from me and there is nothing I can say or do to prevent it. If God created man in his image then how can I be wrong? If we are taught to love our neighbor, why am I being tortured?”

Another coming-out story mentions how the coming out process led to a loss of faith. Thomas writes: So, I think that most of that doubting about God was really related to my homosexuality. After all, if I convinced myself that God (or at least the Christian God) was not real, then I wouldn't have to worry nearly so much about being gay.

Jerry mentioned dropping out of “LifeGuard.” This is an orthodox Christian movement of gays and lesbians who believe that through prayer and a celibate life they can become straight. LifeGuard and other similar efforts make it even harder for most glbt folks to deal with their homosexuality. Because it is simply not possible to “turn off” one’s sexual orientation. So there’s another failure to add to the already low self-esteem and self-confidence . . .

But the good news is, there are religious organizations that help more than hinder the coming out process. For example there is Catholics for Equality which was founded only this year to support, educate, and mobilize Catholics in the advancement of freedom and equality at the federal, state, and local levels for lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgendered family, parish and community members. Let me read to you what it says on their web-site: “Drawing on the rich tradition of Catholic social justice teachings, grounded in the Gospel message of Love, American Catholics are among the strongest supporters of equality for lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgendered (LGBT) people of any religious group in the U.S. Yet the official voice of the hierarchy increasingly advocates discrimination and opposes reasonable measures to secure basic freedoms for LGBT Americans. Far too often, the anti-freedom voice of the hierarchy is portrayed as representing the moral values of American Catholics. We believe this trend is a repudiation of Catholic belief in the inherent dignity of every person. It further contradicts the American values of fairness and equality for all citizens under the law enshrined in the U.S. Constitution.”
I can only say “Amen!” to that!

I mentioned that the Human Rights Campaign manages the National Coming Out Campaign. In addition, HRC has a “Religion and Faith Program.” Its mission is to change the conversation about gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender people and faith. The Religion and Faith program is engaged in this movement at every level. They have created much-needed resources, such as an online weekly preaching and devotional resource called “Out In Scripture,” which tells you that you don’t have to leave your mind, heart and body behind when you encounter the Bible. This Human Rights Campaign resource places comments about the Bible alongside the real life experiences and concerns of lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender people of faith, and of their allies. They also publish a brochure called “Living Openly in Your Place of Worship,” and a biweekly e-newsletter.

Because of the pioneering efforts of brave religious people who are speaking out for equality, a new movement for change is emerging that embraces a culture of welcome, compassion, and hospitality-- values that are at the heart of all our faith traditions. But there is a lot more to do. A 2005 Harris poll found 90% of gay and lesbian teens say they have been bullied in the last year. In the last four weeks, four of them made national news because they killed themselves as a result of such bullying.

If more of us come out as allies, glbt folks have more friends to go to for help.

If more of us speak up as allies, homophobic individuals will learn that there’s nothing to be afraid of.

If more of us stand up as allies, civil liberties such as equal marriage rights will be the norm, not the exception for our glbt friends.

Put your faith into action and . . . come out as an ally!